Oh! No, she is gone.

Date: July 24th

“Run boy run. Run faster”. You have to get yourself. I said to myself as I do always, talking to myself in the absence. I speak to myself. I correct myself. I have my own code of ethics these days because I lack myself. I don’t have my mirror. This chance shouldn’t be void. I ran harder thinking and thinking. I couldn’t put on my new shoes. Sounds funny? Yeah! I preferred to my one year aged slipper instead in hurry. This expresses me as well. How slippery character I must be. I adore slipping again and again though my toes bleed, my feet toy with the ground and I may fall in the rain again. But who gives a damn. I just knew I had to run. What I remember myself is I keep running always whether it is dream or I am alive in this world. I have always found myself running. And I have well idea that why I love to run that even in my sleep I am running though I am not an athlete. I run through day and night. But now it is the evening time. I ran through the people. I begun it from the ladder of my flat and the ceiling always loves to kiss my forehead. I don’t know why it loves me so much. Whenever I set my departure, it gives me a good bye kiss. You can imagine how much it loves me. But sometime I cheat it and bow my head down from it. Today I didn’t care it because I had to jog in the evening. Let me remind you, I am not good at jogging early in the morning. I ran through the passage, a real long passage and an oldie coming right in front of me might have thought it’s better to leave me the way. That’s so sweet of him. Probably, he would have learned by heart his days of running like me. But it was not enough for me. I had a long way to go so I didn’t thank him.

Now I am on the exit. I requested my legs to do me a favour. They made me honoured. Oh my God, what is this? There were two ways. I really don’t have knowledge which one to walk on. I had never faced dilemma in choosing those ways. I have always walked on them. I never cared. That may be the reason they troubled me today. I realized their motif. I decided to go in front, crossing the main road. The one I went is somehow the shortcut and leaded me always to the destination not just for one time but so many times. The path has played a great role in my life. I had taken many evening walks on it. My tired and painful feet kissed the flowery dust of the way. I hurried but I wanted to be speedier. But this is not my fault that I don’t have wheels on my legs. This may be my bad luck again. After walking some five minutes there comes another two ways. Oh no, someone stop this. Let me go. I am in bewilderment. Really. I am in fix as well. That time I didn’t know which one to go. Do you know what happened? I know you don’t. How would you know? I made another wrong decision again. As usual, I decided to go left. As soon as I took left, I left something precious there, something left on the way, something I left far ago, something left me, I left some time ago, I left myself there, my image, my mirror, my charm, my world. Since then I haven’t found myself ever because I left something. I selected left hoping something right, something right in my life, really something really right and at that time I grabbed it, assuming that it was right. Apparently, left is never right and right is never left. The Left never left me alone. It was there with me on my mind and inside my heart. In the same way Right was never Right by any means.

I believe my intuition more than I believe myself. It has never deceived me. I don’t know why I feel a sign from my inner core as if something is going to happen whether it is bad or good for me. Accordingly, the same happened today. I was feeling so much for you from the very morning. You haven’t been there for some days. I think you are out of sight from the day “I Saw You”. It was half sensing of you because you couldn’t see me there. I had a will to meet you. Not exactly, ‘meet you’ but ‘see you’ because we don’t meet anymore. It’s been many a months. We haven’t come across. I just see you from the corners. I was bankrupt today. Only some coins in my wallet and 0.56 paisa in my cell. That stopped me from seeing you out there of your office and texting you as well. Huh……… I missed you. I don’t think I have to state. But I wanted you to know that the poor lad is missing you so much. I bunked office too. My sense was saying me that I would get the sight of you. So something like that happened. It again rocked. It must have been viable because my feeling has been real forever.

I was restless whole day. Watching TV, listening music and sometimes copying notes too after ages because I have to do it and the reason is the fever of exam. Finally the time knocked my door but I failed to be evident from the very first. Someone welcomed the angel and marked my perception true. Yet I was out of the arrival scene and had no sense at all. I was stuck with TV. Suddenly, I was aware of alteration in the tune not that of TV but in my mother’s voice. She sounded different. I was a one hundred percent sure that you are there. And here I minimized the volume of TV just to conform myself but today you were so quiet. I was flying up in the sky. I went out to bring myself down. I stole a glimpse of you. You were totally unknown to this. I was at the rear of you. My mom observed the pleasing outcomes of our proximity. The moment really came after a very long time. I missed it so much. That was so aching when you were not there. You know I always expect you to be there when I get back from the office. I always look forward for your one glance. But the anticipation by no means gets rewarded. I enter inside and you were never there. Have you detected one thing? I guess you have. Whenever you are there after a very long, I feel bashful. My heart losses its normal beat. I am not safe in my house. I just can’t cross the door. The same thing was going with me when you were there. I was seeing you from outside of the door and you were completely unfamiliar to this. Even if my mom called me inside but I couldn’t collect myself. I am so stupid, aren’t I? I constantly wait for you to be there and when you are there, I try to alien myself. Really, a poor guy. I could realize that you were there for me. I was amused after years. I don’t have idea when it was the last time when we were together in high spirits. I do memorize it was at Baudha, the serene place. Much cheerfulness was blooming in my eyes. I was pretty sure that the time is up now. I can occupy myself once more. I dressed and giving tribute to our relation and especially to you by playing some of our favourite songs. You were still with my mom.

“Hey where is she? Oh, no she is gone. No, this is not feasible. I won’t let it happen. She can’t do this?” I structured on my mind. I was ready just to have another evening walk with you and set the whole thing good enough. I was determined to give myself away for you. I didn’t want to calculate anymore. I just required reminding you that I need you. I desire to be with you. Be with me. I am not contented at all. I have a lot to articulate, I have many unspoken words meant for you those I have sealed for a very long. Please listen to me. If you don’t like to listen then just let me breath being you’re side by side. Let me walk with you and help me refreshing those times. I don’t want to store these memories those are being far from you. They are slaughtering me. I found them suicidal. Even if you are not interested have pity on me and let me be your shadow and revive me and my very own what I had been with you.

I ran to you. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find you. There is one song and its lyrics read “Wherever you go, whatever you do. I’ll be right here waiting for you” but for me this reads- “Wherever you go, whatever you do. I’ll be right there following you”. No matter how far you go, I’ll always run after you, follow you being silent. All you need to do is just wait for me if you think you have gone so far or look back sometime. You will definitely find me there right after you only some step back. I can’t walk with you I am familiar with this but even you can’t stop me running after you. And please for god sake never think that you can’t give me what I expect from you. Being with you is just more than enough for me. I don’t expect anything from you. But if you think then you can be with this ill-fated boy, I don’t mind at all :) :) :).

I got back without taking the walk which I longed for. On the way while I was on my way I just thinking that how should I preserve this moment now. I was desperate to be here sitting with my desktop. I was thinking whether I should write poetry or a fiction and I choose this because a small poetry couldn’t satisfy my thirst. I don’t know I succeeded or not but I have seized my moment. I know I know I am not good at writing :) Hey I would like to inscribe more and more….. But I have to stop it because they are calling me for dinner. Don’t mind please. I’ll try my best next time. You too have your dinner. Ok! Good night. Miss you. Hope I can see you next time when I come after you.